FAT CAMP: Week 1
By Robert Joki
August 30, 2007
A couple of months ago, I had my "Uh Oh!" moment. No, I didn't have a heart attack or become diagnosed with diabetes. My epiphany involved Bat Boy, two carnies, and a bed of nails. True story.
I recently directed a show called BatBoy: The Musical, at the Oakland Center for the Arts, in downtown Youngstown. The show ran for three weekends and on the second weekend, as an added attraction for our patrons, someone from the production staff arranged for a visit from a carnival sideshow / museum of oddities. I thought it was a really cool idea. They had shrunken heads, a petrified monkey-mermaid, a two-headed snake, giant cockroaches, and people who swallowed swords. Fun right?
I knew they wanted to use the stage prior to our show, but I didn't know for what. I was backstage giving my cast members some words of encouragement, when I was told that I was being asked for...onstage. I walked through the curtains and into the spotlight. My eyes adjusted to the stage lighting and I saw a man and a woman standing next to a bed of nails. I had seen this done many times before and I knew how it worked. They would ask me to lay down on the bed of nails...and it would look painful...but my weight would be distributed among the thousands of nails and I would stand up, unharmed. I was kind of excited. But before I had a chance to lay down on the prickly mattress, the carny man beat me to it. The carny woman placed a piece of plywood over his midsection and hopped on top. The people in the front row gasped as she jumped up and down on his abdomen. Then she reached for my hand and asked me how much I weighed. OH NO SHE DIDN'T! (but she did)
I think I was the only person in the room who didn't see that coming. I didn't answer. I wanted to say something witty...something clever...but I couldn't. I just laughed nervously. Then the man asked me to step on him. Apparently their trick pony was ill and I was the next best thing??? I hesitated. If I did as I was told, I would be a chubby spectacle. If I refused to go along with the show, I would look like a chubby jerk... in front of over a hundred people who had just paid to see a show I directed. So...I closed my eyes, stepped forward, and thought of England. The man must have been making some pretty funny faces because half of the audience was roaring with glee. The other half seemed to sense my disdain. The tension in the room was as awkward as the spelling of the word "awkward".
I found myself wishing the laws of physics would momentarily bend and that the nails would rip through this dude's ribcage. It would have been messy, yes...but it would certainly make national news and possibly land me on Oprah or Dr. Phil...where I could whine about my "disease" and get sent to one of those magical magical fat camps that only celebrities can afford. No such luck. The stunt lasted less than a minute. I stepped down, shook hands with the man who had just embarrassed the living crap out of me, and left the stage. The show went on but I don't remember much else from that night. All I could think was, "Wow...I am officially sideshow fat"
Up to this point I had considered myself to be comically obese...a life-size Homer Simpson. As an actor, I had used my weight as a gimmick countless times, but I had always been the one in control. I made fun of my weight before others could. This time was different. I didn't feel good about it. I have been ripped out of sleep by nightmares about it. It is literally a wake up call. Something has to change.
This blog is an experiment. I plan to use creative writing as a catalyst for weight loss. Each week, I will write about my successes...failures...and the countless ridiculous situations I have been, and will be, put into because of my weight and lifestyle. The hypothesis is this: If I record my goals in a public forum, and am therefore held accountable by my readers...I will be motivated to reach said goals. What better way to drop a few pounds than to sit in front of a computer screen, typing, and eating Ho-Hos! I am kidding. Well..not about the Ho-Hos.
I hope you will join me on what I am sure will prove to be a hilaaarious journey. I plan on posting at least once a week, and I welcome your comments.
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I think this is a great idea. I also liked your blog. It was descriptive and I giggled (I'm sorry.)
I also felt the awkwardness you described. It just came through. I think EVERYONE, while not able to relate to weight issues (although a lot of people, if not most, can) can relate to feeling awkward.
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is the "camp" in your title a pun? because that's delicious.
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I don't get the pun? Nice blog though. It was well written.
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mmmmmmmmmm....ho hos.....
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camp: something that provides sophisticated, knowing amusement, as by virtue of its being artlessly mannered or stylized, self-consciously artificial and extravagant, or teasingly ingenuous and sentimental.
ANSWER THE QUESTION, DAMNIT
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Good eye, Bob.
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re: my post and your comment: i think what you are doing is perfectly fine. your blog has a specific goal, and the issue you are covering can relate to a lot of people. I think you could augment it though, with both diet tips and commentary on how fat people are portrayed in the media and/or treated in the real world. You could talk about the merits or lack thereof of suing mcdonalds or airlines charging fat folks twice bc they take up 2 seats or the growing number of obese people or standards of beauty throughout the ages (i.e. fat folks being perfectly acceptable 300 years ago).
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Cool post, Rob. It should be interesting, and Lenny's ideas sound good for amplifying related issues.
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Don't worry, kids. There will most definately be issues.
Thanks for the pointers.
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...particularly with spellign, the grammar, and punctuation ;O)
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Oh, Rob! That was funny and heartbreaking. I love it. Keep writing more! As for practical help with losing weight: you should host dance-along screenings of "The Apple." That would be exciting and very good exercise.
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"I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Cinder Elephant,
Sleeping Tubby,
Snow Weight,
where the princess is not
anorexic, wasp-waisted,
flinging herself down the stairs.
I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Hansel and Great,
Repoundsel,
Bounty and the Beast,
where the beauty
has a pillowed breast,
and fingers plump as sausage.
I am thinking of a fairy tale
that is not yet written,
for a teller not yet born,
for a listener not yet conceived,
for a world not yet won,
where everything round is good:
the sun, wheels, cookies, and the princess." -Jane Yolen
"Sideshow fat" you say? I say SIDESHOW FABULOUS.
Whatever you make of yourself tomorrow morning, be it a beautiful woman with a killer voice, or a charming blogger with a rapier wit...whatever size you become next year, from skinny bitch to ho-ho holdable...your mind will always reveal how beautiful you really are.
whatever you think of yourself a generation from now, I hope its with pride and a smile...
You have not succumbed to normalcy and conformity. You have already won.
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Whoever you are...I love you. Let's do lunch.
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